If someone you know has Post Natal Depression it can be very difficult to know what to say or do to make things better. It's important to remember that your loved one is coping with a very distressing illness and may not be able to tell you what she needs from you right now. There are lots of things you can do to help her recover and your support is fundamental to her recovery:

Show your love for her

1. Give her lots of hugs and cuddles
2. Tell her you love her
3. Make sure she has a treat every day such as a favourite meal in the evening
4. Bring her nice surprises like flowers, chocolates, etc.

Daily Life

1. Encourage her to structure her day so that she has something to focus on e.g. getting the baby weighed, opening the post and answering it, watching a favourite programme, ordering food online
2. Let her do what she can e.g. if she feels like making a cup of tea let her - don't say 'that's my job you just sit there', but equally be wary that she doesn't exhaust herself by doing too much and tiring herself out
3. Make sure she gets a rest every day e.g sitting on the sofa with her feet up
4. Keep to her normal routine and way of doing things at home rather than trying to impose your household routines on her e.g. 'I always have breakfast at 8.30pm fully dressed so she should too'
5. Take care of things like washing, cleaning, ironing so that she doesn't feel the house is falling apart
6. If she is not up to doing very much at all, let her maintain some control over the house if she wants to - for example by letting her choose what you all eat or letting her do the grocery shopping on line, answer the phone or opening the post - little things which make her feel she is still in control and involved

Your Attitude to her Illness

1. Realise that she isn't doing much around the house or for the baby because she's lazy but because she is exhausted and suffering with a debilitating illness - do not put pressure on her to 'perform' if she isn't up to it
2. Accept that she can't just 'snap out of it' and that it will take time for her to make a full recovery
3. Try your hardest not to be angry at her - this is not her fault so take your anger elsewhere

The Baby

1. Encourage her to have as much to do with the baby as possible. If she isn't up to looking after the baby in terms of feeds, sterilising bottles and nappies encourage her to hold the baby. If she isn't breastfeeding give her a bottle so that she can feed the baby - just letting the baby fall asleep on her can make her feel she is still nurturing the baby even if she hasn't got the energy to look after the baby completely
2. Be careful that she doesn't feel you are taking the baby out of her hands - if she hasn't the energy to do much at all, being denied any opportunity to look after the baby can make her feel redundant
3. Be careful not to compel her to do things for the baby if she isn't up to it and may get exhausted by doing them. Let her make the decisions even if she can't actually carry out the task itself - this way she will feel in control and needed
4. If there is a toddler or older child in the house make sure she isn't prevented from resting by them

Emotions

1. Don't let her be on her own for long periods - in fact it can be much better if you can arrange for someone she knows and trusts to stay with her until she is up to managing alone - this could be for a period of weeks or months
2. If she is scared of being alone take it seriously, be sympathetic and don't try to arrange short periods where she will be alone as a way of 'getting her better' or because you need to leave the house for a few minutes - though you may not understand it, this fear is very real for her at the moment
3. Even if she gets angry with you try not to take it personally and retaliate - she is going to be very senstive right now and your anger may make her feel rejected which will make the depression worse
4. Tell her she is doing really well and remind her this is a temporary illness from which she will recover
5. Encourage her to tell you how she is feeling and do not judge, whatever she says - you need her to feel that she can tell you everything and that way you will know how she really is
6. Watch her like a hawk - do not let her disappear on her own or with the baby for longer than a few minutes unless you are absolutely sure she is OK
7. Even when she seems to be recovering keep a close eye on her mood and do not let her be on her own for long periods

Choose Your Words Carefully

1. Be careful not to make her feel guilty about things she can't do at the moment, particularly in relation to her mothering skills
2. DO NOT draw comparisons between her situation and how you or other female members of the family coped when they had their babies - comments like 'she was a natural' or 'it's down to stamina ' are not helpful and irrelevant to her situation
3. Try not to suggest reasons for the illness, especially if they involve things she could have done differently. It's natural to want to blame something or someone but this is not to the time and will only make her feel defensive, ashamed and that she has failed. It's far better to accept that she has the illness and focus on helping her move forward with her recovery

Practical Help and Support

1. If her parents live nearby try arranging for her to have short visits in the afternoon - she can look forward to the visits and they will give her day some focus - when the visitor arrives you could perhaps go for a walk - be prepared to do most of the talking as she may well not be up to entertaining you
2. If you are not nearby but want to offer support, it can really help for her to receive a phone call every day from someone who cares
3. Make sure she gets out of the house every day if only for a short walk around the block - if she can't face going out suggest a walk around the garden if you have one
4. Encourage her to do normal things, however small, so that her life does not become focussed entirely around her illness
5. As she begins to recover let her slowly take control of her life again - e.g. if she has a visitor over for lunch you could make the lunch but she could serve it or you could carry the conversation if she isn't sure she can 'host' the whole visit
6. During recovery encourage milestones such as the first visit to family or attending a new mother and baby group - these are important steps towards full recovery

Your Emotions and Needs

1. Find someone you can talk to and whom you trust - you need to let off steam so that you are calm and positive when you are with her
2. Make sure you get some time away from the situation so that you are refreshed when you see her
3. Do not put pressure on her to go on holiday/move house etc. if these were previously on the agenda. At the moment she needs peace, calm, predictability and stability
4. Remind yourself of the person she was before she became ill and remember that you will get her back; she will recover and your support will help her recover faster