As you recover from PND you will reach a stage where you are 'back in the saddle': looking after your baby yourself, running your house, seeing friends. At this point it can be difficult to come to terms with what has happened to you and to move forwards with your life. The people you meet may be unaware of your illness which can make every day life a little surreal since on the outside everything seems normal. However you may well spend large amounts of time re-playing what has happened to you as you begin to come to terms with it. Why did it happen? Will it happen again? WIll people judge me if I talk about my illness? These are all thoughts which are totally understandable and very common reactions, particularly if this is your first baby and you are also adjusting to your new life including making a whole new set of friends.

The journey to recovery from Post Natal Depression is a very personal experience because it happened to you, not your partner, mother or friends. At times you may wonder when you will feel like your old self again. But please believe that you will get there. It may take time but there are lots of things you can do to help yourself along that journey.

It may also help to realise that recovery does NOT mean wiping your PND episode from your life. Much as you may wish it would just disappear from your memory, the fact is that even once you are fully recovered you will still be aware of what it means to have suffered with PND. Though it is in the past you cannot go back and become the person you were before it happened. Your life now includes a memory which you didn't ask for but which is there nevertheless. That is why the way in which you deal with this memory is so important to your recovery.

During your recovery tell yourself that what happened to you, your memory of it, is in the PAST even if it seems very raw and real at the moment. This is especially important when you have only just emerged from acute illness and begun to get on with your life. Even though it seems very raw and real, it IS in the past, even if past only means a few weeks ago. Hold on to that thought - it's in the PAST now and it can't hurt you.

To help you move forwards and recover your life it is a good idea to put as much distance between what happened to you and your life now as you can. Ways you can do this include:

• Throwing away anything which you associate with the memory of your PND episode, e.g. a particular dressing gown, a perfume. If you had obsessive thoughts about harming yourself or your baby then removing any items involved in those thoughts will also help you to forget that you had them. It can really help to have these things out of your life as your brain won't then be able to use them to remind you of what happened and you can then let go of these awful memories more easily.
• Remember that it is likely that the strength of any negative feelings (e.g. towards your relationships with your partner or mother for example) was amplified by your depression. Try not to dwell on the feelings you had during your episode of PND - over time these feelings will become weaker. It is very important not to do anything rash like start divorce proceedings until you have fully recovered as the chances are you will have a different perspective on things as you feel better. Talking to a counsellor can help you to work through negative emotions and can be a great release and comfort to you as you improve
• Your PND will have affected most if not all of your close relationships and these will need time to heal. Try to include those close to you in your recovery by spending good quality time with them. The chances are they are confused and upset by what happened and will need time to come to terms with what happened too. It is all too easy to let feelings of blame and hurt cloud your relationships at a time when you need each other the most.
• Take it easy on yourself - buy ready meals if you want to; give your baby pre-prepared food; get a cleaner if you can; let the house go a bit - it really doesn't matter. Your recovery is much more important.

Dealing with Emotions
Having Post Natal Illness can trigger many strong emotions which you may well not have experienced before, particularly blame, anger and fear. There are a number of things you can do which will help you to work through your feelings as part of the healing process.

Blame
Although it's very hard, try not to apportion blame for your PND episode. Often those closest to you, especially partners and mothers, get caught in the cross fire as you cast about looking for something to blame for your Post Natal Depression. But blame is a very negative, destructive emotion which will not help you to heal and move on. If your partner is getting the blame, try thinking about all the reasons why you were attracted to them and try to remember the happy times you have shared. Avoid bringing up the subject every time you talk so that your relationship does not become defined by your PND. This is easier said than done but do be aware of the damage constant obsession with PND can do to your relationships. As you recover you are very likely to gain a more balanced perspective which may well include forgiving those close to you for any failings on their part which you feel may have contributed to your PND. If your issues are with your mother, consider not seeing her for a while as you come to terms with what has happened. Try not to push her away.

If you feel angry towards anyone, or to the illness for taking away part of your life at a time that should have been so joyous, try some of the techniques below to deal with your feelings:

Anger
Anger is destructive to you and those around you even though it may stem from very valid feelings. Letting your anger out is important to your recovery. Try the following ways of expressing your anger in a non-harmful way:

• Write down how you feel. If the anger is about a person, write them a letter in which you describe how you feel. If your anger is directed at your Post Natal Depression, imagine it is a person and write the letter to them. Be as graphic and emotional as you like and let it all out before you read what you have written, just go with the flow of your feelings. Then find a safe place and set fire to the letter, imagining that all your feelings are going up in smoke with the letter and disappearing
• Go to a Boxercise class if you like exercise and imagine that every punch or kick is targetted at your depression or at the person you are angry with! With every movement you are taking control of your life and releasing your feelings
• Do vigorous exercise or go on a run to allow your feelings of frustration an outlet. You will feel a lot better afterwards
• Punch a cushion or pillow and imagine you are punching the cause of your anger
• Find a good time when no-one is around and just scream and rage until you've let it all out. Then go out of the house or do something to take your mind of what you have just done
• If you are more of a pacifist, consider making a charitable donation as a symbol that you are turning your suffering and anger into something positive

Fear
Having Post Natal Depression gives you a new awareness of the possibilities for suffering in this life. Previously you may well never have experienced depression so you had no idea that such feelings were possible. This can be a big shock and make you quite fearful of the future - 'will it come back if I come off my medication or if I have another baby' are all very understandable concerns. One way in which you can begin to come to terms with this feeling of fear is to say to yourself 'I got through this and I have survived - I am a strong person!' Tapping into your inner strength will really help you to realise that you are a lot stronger than you thought. These fears you have are not based on fact, they are just fears, nothing more. Treat them that way. They are not real and therefore do not do them the honour of giving them your time. You are in control now and you have a wonderful future ahead of you. Do not give these fears oxygen, extinguish them now, concentrate on your life now and realise that things are different now and will be different in the future. What happened is in the past, even if past only means days or weeks.

As your life returns to normal you will find that feelings of anger, fear, blame and frustration are replaced with those of well being, forgiveness and acceptance. All of this means that you really are coming to terms with what happened and are moving on with your life, until one day you will realise that you are no longer dwelling on the past and that your episode of Post Natal Depression seems like a tiny part of your life, which in fact is what it was.

Allow yourself to celebrate your recovery as you begin to feel better. Little things like a special meal, new clothes, even a new calendar can have a big impact on the distance you put between your life now and your episode of Post Natal Depression. And remember - you are doing really, really well! You've come a long way and you are a strong woman who deserves to be happy.